generosity of spirit

(journal entry from july 19th, 2010)


sometimes, someone will surprise me by showing me acceptance and love, even when they by all rights have reason to be offended, or to not communicate with me at all. i’ve had an intense year (though it seems i say that every year, just about). there have been more times than i’m comfortable thinking about where i haven’t shown up for another person. when i’ve dropped the ball, or even said or did possibly offensive things. there have been times when i just couldn’t give; i had nothing at the moment to give, or that felt worthy of giving. even written words to answer someone’s email, cause i would have had to arrange the words in a way that made some kind of sense and didn’t betray the insanity i was feeling inside. so i said or wrote nothing. i’ve snapped out of it long enough to start a thread on one of the online lists, then fell back into my hole and dropped outta sight again, leaving comments unanswered. many times in the past several months, i didn’t answer calls from friends. sometimes i went to get my phone when i heard it ringing, but just couldn’t bring myself to answer and say hello. when things happen faster than i can absorb them, make some kind of rational sense of them, i get too full. i get afraid that if the dam of brain cells holding it all in control gets breached, it would all come rushing out in a jumbled mess.

its no wonder people react to that by withdrawing, by washing their hands of that crazy woman judyette. sometimes that even seems like a relief to me, when i get in certain moods, when i’m alone and quiet and want to preserve that state at all costs. but sometimes, someone comes along who doesn’t judge me, who trusts that part of me that is good and worthy. who doesn’t give silence for silence, but lets me know right away, right away! that all is ok, i am loved, i can give when i can, and stay silent when i must, and they will always be there. i hold those times and those people close in my heart, they are sweet and unexpected like finding honey in the woods. they open my heart to understanding of someone’s else’s overwhelm.

funny how just one person’s acceptance of me, of where i’m at in my evolution as a human being, can evaporate a whole layer of issues, and let me see the next thing that lies beneath. it happens almost spontaneously, to be understood is to understand. i am so grateful for those who don’t give up on me, who hold my being as something of value, even in those times when i’m all holed up in my confusion, in my darkness, in my overwhelm.