an uncoddled moment

from dec 16th, 2009

was thinking of how we hold our lives together in moments, in separate little balls of time that we can hold out from ourselves and view.  we dress those moments up with association, coddle them in wrappings of familiarity.  rarely do we leave them raw.  would the nakedness of a moment not clothed in self cause us to shrink?  haha, our selves are such illusion anyway, our lives held up by streamed together thought that can be had by anyone.  

we are what we ‘think’ we are.  so if i don’t think, if i let the wrappings fall away, will i become the bare branches moving to the wind?  do the branches become the wind?  do they share a symbiotic relationship unknown to ego?  does the tree even see me?  do the tree branches and the wind notice my curiosity, do they together turn and look?  do they want to be me as i think of being the tree?  or did i make them up, and any separation is nothing but the wrappings i buried myself within?  

time thing

i think i just experienced one of those incidences that bashar has talked about where ‘time gets slippery’.  here’s what happened:

decided to run out to freddies for groceries before going to pick wrey up from school.  thought if i hurried, i should have just about enough time to get over there and back, perhaps needing to go from there directly to the school parking lot.  glanced at my watch before leaving home.  it was 1:28.  (i go to get wrey at 2:30).  drove to freddies and found my usual parking spot right by the front door untaken, yay.  looked at my watch again as i was going into the store, only about 3 minutes had passed!  wow!  how could that be!?  there was the usual traffic and such on the roads; ordinarily the trip from being in my room at home to being at the store shopping takes about 15-20 mins or so, minimum.  i was thinking then that maybe this was one of those times like bashar has talked about.  

so i went into the store and started looking for the stuff i needed, ended up walking back and forth across near-about the whole store a couple times cause i didn’t remember the items in a ‘progression-of-aisle’s’-oriented manner.  did the self-checkout thing, which usually takes a bit longer, and even dug bills and coins out of my bag cause my bank acct is empty at present.   got back to the car and checked the time again to see if i needed to go directly to the school parking lot or if i had time to swing by home and put the groceries away.  it wasn’t even a quarter till 2 yet!!  i couldn’t believe it!!  i drove home, normal traffic, stopping for pedestrians in front of intel and such, and while it took a bit longer to get home than the 3 mins it took to get there, it was still only about 1:50 when i got back into my house.  i made the whole trip in under 25 minutes!!  blows me away.  now it is 2:30 and time to go get wrey... after writing this, and being interrupted in the middle by a somewhat lengthy phone call.     i love it.

ethereal versus material

thoughts, ideas are much more malleable when they’re floating around in the unseen, open, fluid spaces of your mind, when they live in possibility land and you can’t yet see them.  once they are given enough attention and emotion to break through into physical reality, creations are mightily reinforced by the perception of the physical senses.  they become more “real”, and therefore more resistant to change.  pay attention to how you feel about what you’re thinking, and watch what you are giving attention to in your thoughts.  its much easier to shift directions before something crystalizes in your life, cause when its up against your face, you must ‘deal with it’ instead of just musing about it.  

reality creation note

standing at the kitchen sink, doing dishes, half of me spacing off out the window somewhere, i picked up the bottle of dish soap and squirted a little more into the dishwater.  its funny, i don’t know how to explain this, to put into words a concept for which there are no words.  but if there were, it would have to be something like “simultaneous thought-event”.  a thought so pure and without resistance that it instantly manifests.  there is little space of time between its inception and its unfoldment.  the thought does not contain words strung out each one following another.  it is more like an idea that is also an event... just one thing, complete within itself. 

so a flurry of small colorful bubbles popped out the top of the soap bottle as i sat it back down, and i had the funny thought that what if one came up and landed on the tip of my nose, how funny that would be.  i didn’t consciously think out the thought, word for word.  it was more like i envisioned it happening.  i felt light and happy and delighted that little bubbles were floating around in the sunlight.  the very next micro second (or whatever the smallest known increment of time happens to be), a little bubble floated straight up and landed right on the tip of my nose!  and i laughed and laughed, because i realized something profound about reality creation, in that instant.  and i don’t know if i can even put this into words.  there was absolutely No Resistance in the thought that occurred to me about the bubble.  i didn’t Hope it would happen, i wasn’t waiting to See if it would happen, i wasn’t Expecting it to happen, i had nothing emotionally tied up in whether it happened or not.  i didn’t Want it to happen in the way that i was trying to Make it happen.  i was just in a light-hearted mood and thought, what if... without anything, anything at all, getting in the way.  and it immediately happened.  

so what i think is that the thought and the physical manifestation of the thought are truly just One Thing.  its just our emotional and intellectual tags that create the Time (aha!) that is the perceived separation between the two.

the time is... Now

the time for anything is Now.  if its in your head, if your thoughts keep returning to it, the time to do it is Now.  

how many many things i see around me that i never did!  oh, remember when i was going to do this?  i told myself i’d do it another time, when i got around to it ... but that day never came.   i intended to do this, meant to finish that, thought about it.  but never did it.  the moments morph one after another into different circumstances, the moment when That was relevant disappears from perception.   later, sometimes years later, something reminds me... oh, remember?  i was going to paint that.   i was going to fix that.  i was going to make one of those.

maybe its an issue of entertaining more ideas than i would ever possibly have time for.  or one of priority.  keeping a tidy kitchen and food cooked for my girls is higher up on the list of things that must get done today.

but when i remember... i wonder... is there a universe where all those things i thought about but never did, Lives?   :)

a space in (two) time(s)

i was driving down the road in my car yesterday, listening to ten years after/ a space in time, specifically the song "here they come".  i love that song.  i love it even more now than back in the early 70's when we used to listen to it and watch it at the same time (had the stereo hooked up to an oscilloscope glen/my ex built out of an old tv).

so here i am driving and i suddenly experience myself "Inside" the music, sliding down the musical scales/streams of notes, like on a roller coaster ride, up and down with the sounds!  Seeing the music, and me on it/in it or something indescribable really.... playing! inside the music :)    and kinda at the same time, lights were coming on everywhere (in my thoughts And in physical reality around me which in this moment were one and the same) and i suddenly understood how every little thing was relevant, all of it,  Everything fit Somewhere!  i saw how everything in my present 'view' fit together perfectly.  the traffic ahead of me, the people walking along the street, the sky, the weather, Everything!

looking forward out the car window (i'm driving still), the sweet little cloud shapes in the sky are winking at me, and the trees i'm driving past are proudly displaying, to Me, the intricate design of their leafless branches visible only in the winter; saying to me that they may look the same in passing, but they are Not.  each revealing a beauty equal to their summer splendor of green.  and oh my god! the world is such a Beautiful place! a wave of joy swept through my heart and tears sprang out, and oh!  i got to the bank and had to clean up my face before going in :)

it wasn't until i came home and started writing down about the playing inside the music thing that it hit me!  i was maybe opened up to the present-day experience by the years-earlier experience of Watching those same sounds on the oscilloscope.  i had recognized in the moment how everything happening 'presently' fit together, but now i saw how everything in my Whole Life fit!  wow.  the scope of that is really not even transferrable through words.

there is another curious thing about these kinds of experiences, for me.  when relating it, i cannot say with certainty which thing happened first.  did i Feel myself sliding up and down the music notes first, or did i "get it" how connected is Every Little Thing first?  it seemed like just One Expanded Moment that included all of the above, a moment that suddenly became "bigger" in a way i cannot adequately verbalize.  this time sequence thing happens frequently when i attempt to record my dreams; some of them just won't be broken down into a linear 'this followed that' sequence, they just won't.