my brain on metaphysics

I was snuggled up close to traskius, watching his face as he slept, feeling our combined heartbeats, vibrating pleasantly in the warmth we created together in contrast to the coldness of the room air. you know that affect you get sometimes when looking from the side at something where you can see two of them, one see-through and the other solid-looking? Then you close one eye and only see the solid one. well, i was seeing like that, double outlines of traskius’s face, one nearly transparent. but when i shifted my gaze further out, past his face, the effect unexpectedly followed. the table by the bed was transparent as well, with only the edges filled in. looking round the room, everything was transparent, even the walls, with “things” not part of the immediate moment not even in existence at the edges. What possessed the most solidity was the feeling of warmth, the purely pleasant vibration of love contentment acceptance completeness. Lying there so profoundly relaxed, my brain relaxed its hold on physicality as well. This has happened several times in recent weeks; the visual experience of the theoretical/intellectual awareness that physical solidity is illusory.

Then my ego jumped in, time to tackle the experience and mold it into language that can describe and define. Effectively making it into something physical, a ‘thing’ to be dealt with. There was the moment of seeing objects as transparent, then a gap, a space in time as I experienced myself apart from…the part of me that wanted to tell about it. and then the observation of my ego’s attempts to isolate the experience and make logical sense of it, to quickly bridge the gap between this other level of beingness and the physical one. I guess that’s why these things come in flashes…they scandalize the ego. Its like the ego is the guardian at the gate that must be appeased, quietly tiptoed around in order to see anything beyond this illusory reality we call life on earth. I suppose we would have to be entertaining a pretty heavy-handed ego in order to even experience this degree of focus, this depth of immersion into heaviness and mass.

While I know that my ego is an integral part of the me that agreed to this earth life, and is working overtime to keep me focused here, I still find myself wanting to wrestle it away sometimes, and just be all of me.

in the beginning...

i like my new mac.  it's easier to get the sesame seeds out of the keyboard.