just go there

in my ever-ongoing quest for self awareness, i have discovered something.  this may seem subtle to some, but it feels like a big shift for me.

since splitting up with my ex 12 or so years ago, i’ve both surrounded myself with therapy-giving types (mostly friends made through massage school), and sought therapy for myself from people i didn’t previously know personally.  so i’ve had a lot of exposure to current trendy psycho-analytical methods, both inside and out.  i knew i had a lot of screwed up places within, where i held beliefs about myself and about relationships that perpetually repeated themselves in some form or another in most areas of my life.  but looking at that forest of thorns... it just seemed so impenetrable, and painful.  it stood in front of any paths to happiness i might otherwise qualify for, like a big jumbled mess i resented having to deal with.  i did find it easier to just not go there.  i’ve lived my life thus far convincing myself that i’d rather just be alone than deal with the crap.  than deal with the issues (and the Pain) that inevitably come up when you walk out onto the playing field.  

psychological counseling Can be helpful, even if by just providing a safe space for one to feel heard.  and especially helpful if it serves to steer one’s attention to those places that need table time, for those who can’t see them.  while it is nice to be seen and heard (i remember reading that all addiction is the pain of not being seen), talk therapy can be an addiction in itself.  as can living your life identifying yourself as a victim, which conveniently makes everything someone else’s fault.  what i think is profoundly needed is to listen to Yourself.  not the loud voices telling you how you’ve been wronged, what you should fear, what might happen “If”... but those sometimes quieter voices that try to tell you what you Do Want, where you Do want to be, what would Really float your boat.  

that is where the realization comes in, for me.  i’ve always thought that i had to ‘get past’ certain things before i could have this or that in my life.  but the things i thought i needed to get past could be kind of shape-shifting, layer-y, in that if i made an all-out effort to focus right on them, they’d move to the side, and something else would be hiding underneath.  thinking about this thing would bring up that thing, beliefs seemed tangled up in other beliefs.  like spider webs, but not so symmetrical and pretty.  while i might make progress on one thing, something else would loom up menacingly in front of my attention and make me think that this is Never going to happen.  i could Never unroot all those stupid beliefs, stupid associations.  i could Never clear the way to walk into a future of true contentment and fulfillment.  

it can all just seem like one big life-consuming Effort.  i’d be focused on it for awhile, then give it up and carry on being lonely, or broke, or whatever.  

but here recently, i’ve hit upon a different way of being that seems so much lighter and doable.  just go directly there, to where i want to be.   just Decide. decide what i want for myself.  first and foremost.  never mind anything else.  and go there.  throw all my energy into my Intent.  or i should say... Flow all my energy into my desires.  None of it into why nots.  how i’m too messed up for that, too old for that, too independent, too anything. 

what happens when i do that, is that i don’t have to search out particular beliefs that may be affecting my ability to be Right Where I Want To Be.  they Automatically come up.  and fall away as i see them and allow them to fall away.  it seems incredibly easy! so much easier than wading through thorns trying to figure out which one is the offending unit. the one that’s keeping me single when i want a relationship, broke when i want to feel secure.  the Specific things appear in front of me, and i understand Why they are there.   it becomes like a game, like an exciting thing instead of a hard thing.  seeing what comes up for me now.   and knowing that any seemingly negative occurrence can be understood as an opportunity to observe neutrally and let go yet another belief or association that blocks the way to my intent.  

feels like i am moving fast now, skipping scenarios that would have been called for in my previous “focusing on what i don’t have, or am not” mode.  if anybody reading this wants examples, i have lots.  just ask.