had a dream last night of putting my mother to bed, upstairs, in a huge old house with lots of dusty old empty rooms, offering to let her use my electric blanket to keep warm. we had just impulsively purchased the house that day (curiously enough, after having just rented another big house that morning). then i was walking around in the backyard and discovered that there were Really Tall trees everywhere, blocking the sun. ugh!! again!! recording my dream, i realized it wasn’t my mother i was dreaming about, but symbolically, my motherhood. that part of me who strives to be the best mom i can be, putting all my focus and energy into making a stable home for my kids. time to put her to bed. felt a little bad about leaving her all alone in that big empty house, offering her just the energy (electric blanket) of my understanding to keep her warm.
that part of my Self is clearly done; and somewhere inside me, it feels like all the surface enthusiasm, light and cheer, is... Pushed. i’m tryin a little too hard, where no trying should be happening at all. “Things” falling away from me, shedding the skin of this persona, faster and faster. evident especially in material things... don’t care about old photos, cds, books, furniture, giving stuff away and throwing stuff out, right and left. but also in ideas, pieces of me i used to feel adamant about that now are just neutral ideas i no longer associate myself with (that Does feel lighter!).
sitting squarely in the middle of the paradoxical being that i am, seeing both sides of me at once, bringing them together and canceling them out. no accident that i was born on the summer solstice. square in the middle of outgoing gemini and homebody cancer. equal mental and emotional perspectives. equal feminine and masculine energies. in a way i feel triumphant. in another way, i feel unfulfilled, that there is Sooo much more that i could have achieved. not even achieved in the usual sense, but more like Orchestrated. but i find myself now feeling like i have to scrounge around for the energy to do anything else, and wonder too if there is any point.
my usual way of being - which is to touch upon things as they come up and interest me in the moment, but not really delving deep into them - seems lacking in a way, now. skimming the surface, tasting, but not really indulging. maybe i’m just hungry. maybe i’m not getting my hunger satiated here. maybe i’m just in a weird mood because its cold and rainy and the first day of July. Most Definitely feel uplifted when i sit on a blanket in the sun!
it Always (and i’m not one to throw absolutes around frivolously), always amazed me that people could feel lonely with so many huMans on the planet. guess i just had to experience it for myself. it is most definitely a Psychological thing. i have loving relationships with people, family. but never feel all the way free to express Me. when i posted earlier about my ET experience, it felt like what i have Imagined it would feel like to come out as gay. to say something to not only your family but your friends and just random people who may run across your words, something that you know will change their perception of you. its a little scary in that you risk losing acceptance, risk your Place in the scheme of the life you have built up around your Being. but to not say it risks Your Self. so it comes to a point where you Must say it, no matter what. because the consequences of keeping yourself buried are not acceptable anymore. so i wrote about just the one experience. and No One, no one, NO ONE! even commented on it. makes me realize how sequestered i have become in my own little world of just trying to keep up. being content with learning new little artistic things and expressing my colorful being in small little ways that are really just little ways i try to keep my spirits high and ignore all the copious bullshit going on in the world.
i have no idea what will become of me. that is probably a problem. as i’m supposed to be forming it in my mind ahead of me and moving into it, like one would move into a new room. the other day i thought about how the place i’m now living is down, a downward-facing culdesac just like the one i grew up in. with a creek behind it, granted. but down. the One thing i have Always wanted is to live on top of a hill. some part of me is thinking it is just Not Meant to Be, not in this lifetime. when i totally, blindly, overlook things, then they proceed to come up on the side of me, with me not seeing them until its too late, then i gotta believe they were meant to be. sent from some other level of myself because unbeknownst to the wakingly-conscious me, this is what i came here for. i have a sense that when i stop pushing altogether, when that last little bit of umph! is gone, that will be it. its a matter of value fulfillment, as seth says. you will focus here as long as you (your soul, higher self, entity, whatever) are getting something out of it, but not a second longer. i suppose i can take from that that as long as i continue to wake up in the mornings, there is something here for me to do.
can’t help but think of britta, who died in her sleep. geez... don’t really want to end with that thought, but have nothing more to say.
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